WELCOME TO MHF, WE OFFER HEALTH SERVICES ON COMMUNITY EDUCATION ON PREVENTION AND CONTROL MEASURES OF DISEASES.

HER HUSBAND CALLED HER FAT: NOW WHAT?

Her Husband Called Her Fat: Now What?

By Steven Petrow
Published Jan 9, 2014
Smiling womanDear Mr. Manners: My husband told me last night that he thinks I’ve gotten fat. I’ll admit that I’ve gained some weight but do you think a spouse should ever say that? – Anonymous
A: I only received strong yays and nays when I posed your question on my Facebook page. Fully half the comments gave two snaps to your husband for, as this one puts it, his “courage:”
 “Great question. It brings up a lot about love, trust, intimacy and, communication. To be honest, it took a bit of all the above plus, courage to do what her husband did.”
The other half of my Facebook responders gave your husband two thumbs down:
“Absolutely not! A partner should never say that you have gotten fat, nor should anyone say this to anyone you love.”
Frankly, I fall somewhere in between the extremes. After all, who better than a spouse to care about you enough to venture into such treacherous territory? I believe the health of spouses and other committed partners should be a regular topic of conversation. But this should never be a tit-for-tat argument.
Context and delivery clearly matter. Jessica Fishman Levinson, an RD who specializes in healthy weight management, told me: “There are better ways for the husband to have approached the topic to be more sensitive. He should approach it like other relationship issues, with ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘you’ ones. For example, ‘I want to improve my health and start eating better and exercising more. I think it’s something we should do together. What do you think?’”
I also asked another expert, Abby Ellin, the author of Teenage Waistland, who writes frequently about body image and health. She explained: “A major part of the problem of telling a woman she looks fat is the negative associations we have with it. Fat is about so much more than weight. It’s about gluttony, insatiability, laziness, and a lack of self-control. Fat is perceived as a moral failing.” Agreed. There’s a shaming aspect to the word “fat” itself, so I see little reason to bring it into any conversation about weight.
As we’re all being bombarded with promises of a new year and a new you, what are the rules?
  1. Take a good look in the mirror yourself before you make any judgments about others: Chances are, you’re not as slim and trim as once-upon-a-time. Let he who casts the first stone be without too many “stones” himself. (I am referring here to the kind of “stone” that is the British unit of weight.)
  2. Any comments you make should focus on health and not appearance: If you want to stay healthy and attractive to one another, communication and trust are key.
  3. Respect your partner’s feelings. Do not judge: Be sensitive. Think before you speak. Turn things around: How would you like your husband or wife to tell you such news?
  4. Make any weight loss effort a team effort: Say to your sweetheart, “Together, we can work on a better eating-drinking-exercise-weight loss plan!” Join a gym together. Turn date night into a workout date. Nutritionist Levinson adds: “Studies have shown that social support helps people stick to their healthy lifestyle goals and maintain their weight once they reach their weight-loss goals.”
Good luck and I hope you’ll let me know how it goes.
Let me know in the comment section below how you’ve handled weight issues in your relationship.
Every Thursday, Steven Petrow, the author of five etiquette books, and the forthcoming “Mind Your Digital Manners,” addresses questions about medical manners.
Posted by